


Sibling Assault Speedrun

by epicgamergirl



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23319865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epicgamergirl/pseuds/epicgamergirl
Summary: A shitpost.
Kudos: 1





	Sibling Assault Speedrun

Jasmina’s awawm cwock wang, and she immediatewy thwew it out the window, hitting the neighbouw’s cat off the fence.

“FACKING AWAWM CWOCK.” Jasmina shouted (pwonouncing the full stop at the end to emphasise they had ended the sentence), jumping out of bed and pewfowming theiw daiwy woutine of kicking the weiwd cweatuwe undew theiw bed.

Lumi cwawled out fwom undew Jasm’s bed, wevealing hew head, which was covewed in dwy wamen noodles and a nawuto headband. She lay thewe on the fwoow, not doing jack shit because she was lazy and it was 10am in the mowning.

“I’m hardly fucking relevant to this story why did you kick me” Lumi said fowgetting to say ‘fuww stop’ aftew hew sentence in owdew to emphasise that she had ended the sentence. This was a gwave mistake on hew pawt, as Jasm pwomptly kicked hew in the face again. Lumi cwawled back undew the bed, an upset wook on hew face.

“You’we going to be impowtant later, wike a in Mickey Mouse Cwub House episode uwu.” Jasm said, pwonouncing the fuww stop once again. Jasmina went about theiw bedwoom, checking theiw magic anime physics, Jasm-Is-The-Antichrist, and owospeak spells wewe still in pwace, and that nothing was amiss.

“I THINK IT'S CALLED A CHEKHOV'S GUN!” Some fucking newd unhelpfuwwy supwwied fwom downstaiws.  _ Oh god, not that fucking newd _ . Jasm thought to themsewf. Wunning downstaiws eight steps at a time, she encountewed the disgustang pwoblem child.

Fucking Newd 1 and Fucking Newd 2 both stood in the living woom, tainting the nice pink cawpets with theiw filthy pwesences. Thewe was no need to descwibe them, as they both looked like supew fucking steweotypicaw newds. Jasmina petted her sexy pink steweo, and then stood down the two wittle shits.

“EAT SHIT AND DWOWN YOU PETULANT OFFSPWING” Jasm scweeched at the top of theiw wungs, nawuto wunning towaws the wittle fawts. Fucking Newd 2 used his weality bending feet, and wawped out of existence. Jasm unleashed a might woaw of wage, pummeling Fucking Newd 1 into the kitchen with a fwuwwy of awmighty punches. He was wobbed wight past Izuku Midowiya, who had abandoned his bweakfast pancakes to go hide undew the table when he heawd Jasmina was coming downstaiws.

Jasmina wan into the kitchen, theiw feet swamming down against the hawdwood fwoows. They dashed awound the countew, and whipped theiw twusty skillet out of the fwidge. They tuwned back to Fucking Newd 1, gwim detewmination on theiw face. They bawed ovew Fucking Newd 1, skillet in hand.

“Now, which one of you fucking fuckity fuckly fuckews was talking about a Chekhov’s Gun?” They said with a sneew, whiwst bashing the skillet into Fucking Newd 1’s face.

“It- was- ne- rd-”, he got an especially hard bash that time for using a FUCKING R WORD, “- uh- wd- 2- wh- o- did i- t!” Fucking Newd 1 finished weakly, collapsing to the floor. Jasmina give him an especiawwy hawd bash, and he went wimp on the fwoow. Izuku Midowiya saw this, and wan fwom the kitchen scweaming. Oh well. She would chase him down water.

Jasmina stood up, honing theiw ninja senses. Yes, yes… Wumi was in theiw bedwoom, eating a jaw of mawmewade she stowe fwom the fwidge. Deku was in the cupboard in the wiving woom, hiding undew the cwothes and sobbing quietwy. Fucking Newd 1 was wying bwoody on the fwoow, and Fucking Newd 2 was cuwwently in the ethewwealm, hiding wike a wittle bitch. Fatass Motha and Fatass Fatha we’we both sweeping in bed whiwst being fatasses, so they wewen’t a pwobwem. One sibwing down, thwee to go…

Jasmina wawked into the wiving woom, bwandishing theiw skillet. They jumped owew the sofa, and kicked the gwass coffee table to the side. They then stood in fwont of the cupboawd, hyping themsewf up to wun in thewe and fucking beat Izuku Midoriya to death. As she pwepawed to open the cupboawd doow, two wittle fucking toddwers wan out, scweeching wike the wittle hewwspawn they wewe and then wunning off. Jasmina suddenwy found they wewe fwoating in midaiw.

  
Izuku Midowiya jumped out, Full Cowwing at the weady. His midget Uwuwaka Cwotch Goblins stood beside him, stwiking jojo poses. All thwee bwocked the staiwway up to Jasm’s woom, where they could have gwabbed theiw tactical military gwenades to bwow up the cwotch goblins.

Izuku shouted something in Japanese, which Jasmina unfowtunatewy couwd not undewstand, though she did appweciate the Japanese for having condensed both the useless L and R into one wowd, making it easiew to wemove fwom daiwy vocabuwawy. As they pwepawed theiw skiwwet, something else fucking happened.

Fucking Newd 2 weappeawed, snapping his fingers menacingly. And suddenly, Jasmina realised what he had done.

“YOU UNDID MY OWOSPEAK SPELL, YOU RAMBUNCTIOUS RASCALLY RUNT!” Jasmina screamed, throwing their skillet at 300km/ph directly through Fucking Newd 2, minorly knocking him out. Thankfully, the Anime Physics Spell still seemed to be in effect. Now that the reality warper was out of consideration, Jasm turned to Izuku and his two Uraraka Crotch Goblins, brandishing their skillet threateningly. Jasm tuwned to their sexy pink stereo, and put on “Pumped Up Kicks”, by Fostew the People.

“I’ve had enough of your evil ways, Jasm! Stop assaulting your siblings every day, and stop putting magic spells on the household! Anyways, that Owospeak spell was stupid! It didn’t even correct the Ls most of the time!” Deku angrily said, switching to English for some unfathomable reason.

Jasm had had enough of Izuku’s bullshit. “DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE DISS MY OWOSPEAK SPELL!” They screamed, running forward. The Crotch Goblin on the left released her quirk, causing several books to fall on Jasmina. They narrowly dodged the attack, and parried one book at the Crotch Goblin with her skillet, jumping up in midair and volleyball spiking “How to Not Be a Sociopath” directly between the left Crotch Goblin’s eyes, knocking it down on the spot. The other crotch goblin ran forward and jumped, clinging to Jasm, attempting to melee fight.

Jasmina thought this could have been a fairer fight if they weren't fighting a twenty kilogram toddler, and they promptly picked it up and threw the crotch goblin through the closed window. As it sailed over the front lawn, its only words were “WHY DOES THE WRITER KEEP FORGETTING I HAVE POWERS TOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo”. Jasmina watched in appreciation as the Crotch Goblin sailed into the back of white van, the van taking off the moment it fell in. No doubt they’d have to go rescue it from having its kidneys stolen later today, but that was an afternoon issue, not a morning one. Jasm turned back to Izuku, wondering why he hadn’t joined the fight earlier. They then voiced this question to Izuku.

“Because of your dumb anime physics spell, I’m not allowed to join the fight when my henchmen are on the battlefield!” Izuku shouted, tears in his eyes. Jasm supposed that made sense, though they didn’t get when Izuku was upset about it. They pounced forward, Izuku attempting to block. Sadly for him, One For All was no match for Skillet To Brain, and he was knocked down to the floor, limp and unconscious. 

Jasm stood over the bodies of their fallen foes. All that was left was to beat up Lumi, and their morning chores would be done…

The doorbell rang.

Jasm stomped over to the doorbell, both wishing the owospeak spell was still on and also wondering who the fuck rang your doorbell at six-thirty a.m. in the morning.

Opening the doorbell, they found a man standing outside, hundreds of Funko Pops strapped to his waist. They had no clue who the fuck he was, and closed the doorbell. Turning around, he was standing right behind them.

“Hello, my name is Jord and I am here to pick up Izuku Midoriya for hero school today!” The man brightly said. Jasm did their best emo teenager impression, slumping over with their hands in their pockets.

“Idunnowhatanizukuis.” They said all in one go, hoping the man wouldn’t turn around. “AndhowdidyougetintothehouseorwhateverIdontreallycareI’mtoocooltocare.” 

“Your anime physics spell means that strange visitors at your door can enter, even if the door is closed!” Jord happily supplied. “Now, where is that Izuku…”

“Ithinkhe’soutside.” Jasm sourly said, Jord heading over to the doorbell to open it and look through it. God, they hated Childcare Services workers, always trying to ruin their daily sibling assault speedruns. But this was their chance. Running over to the couch, they picked up Izuku and batted him like a cricket ball into the kitchen via their skillet. He slid under the kitchen curtains at the back of the room, and Jasm ran over to Fucking Newd 2’s body, doing the exact same. Now both bodies had been safely hidden in the kitchen. The then finally turned off "Pumped up Kicks", as it was no longer appropriate for the situation, instead putting on some relaxing elevator music.

“Izuku wasn’t outside! Jord said, turning back around. He looked around the room, perhaps searching for a room with the word “OUTSIDE” written in big bold letters on it. Sadly, it was the OTHER kitchen entrance which had the word “OUTSIDE” written in big bold letters on it, so he had no way of knowing Izuku was in the kitchen.

“Well, let’s go sit down in the kitchen and have a snack while discussing our favourite funko pops!” Jord said, heading to the kitchen. Shit. This could be a problem.

Jasm followed him, awkwardly sitting down. They sat across from him at the table, sitting closer to the curtains, while he sat closer to the counter. Both sat in silence for a while, not saying anything.

“You assaulted him again, didn’t you?” Jord said, standing up.

“Duh.” Jasm replied, also standing up, but brandishing their skillet.

As Jord began to summon his holy Funko warriors from the Funko dimension and Jasm began naruto running forward, skillet in hand, there was a sudden crashing from the ceiling, and Jasm’s vision went black.

\---

When Jasm woke up, they were surrounded by christian crosses, unable to move.

_ Fuck, I should’ve realised that the Jasm-Is-The-Antichrist spell would be a bad idea in the long run _ . Jasm thought to themself, looking around the basement. Jord was trapped under a pile of assorted anime figurines that weren’t funkos, unable to channel his funkomancy, while the descriptionless and nameless Fucking Newd 2 lay unconcious on the floor. Deku was hanging from a rope above a pile of soap bars. Jasm wasn’t quite too sure what that was supposed to do.

“YOU HAVE ALL FALLEN FOR MY MASTER PLAN, MORTALS!” An ominous voice not-so-ominously-squealed from the shadows. A cloaked figure walked out, who promptly tripped on the cloak, and rolled out, revealing herself to be Lumi.

“What is the purpose of this!” Deku angrily yelled.

“Yeah, I’m supposed to do the sibling assault speedrun, not you!” Jasm shouted.

“This is beyond a sibling assault speedrun! With all of your magical powers combined, I will isekai myself to the Naruto universe, where I will proceed to rule as the queen of all ninjas!” Lumi proclaimed, spreading her hands. “All that’s left to do is say the magic words!” She finished.

“Whore” Jord said. Fucking Newd 2 was unable to make a final comment, as he was unconcious.

“HAPPY!” Lumi shouted, the earth rumbling beneath her.

“BIRTHDAY…” Lumi continued, green cracks appearing in the floor around her.

“JASM!” Lumi screamed, as the cracks split open, revealing a portal beneath her causing Lumi to plummet into the Naruto universe.

Jasm stared down at the portal, nobody else daring to say a word. Jord was coughing in the distance, and the rope holding Deku snapped, causing him to tumble screaming into the pile of soap bars. As Jasm stared at the closing portal, only one thought came to their mind.

“Lumi just ruined my motherfucking sibling assault speedrun.”


End file.
